So the truth is…I’m a sporadic blogger. I’m not good at rolling out blogs on a regular basis, and I have reprimanded myself for it time and time again. I compare myself to other bloggers who create new posts weekly like clockwork, and who engage in debates around everything related to justice on social media, and think to myself…”I need to be more like them.” The internal pressure I put upon myself ultimately leaves me feeling inadequate, like I fail to measure up to others in my lane, and (to use Brene Brown language) like I’m “not enough and therefore unworthy of belonging”.
Then I realized when I looked a little closer, that authors (especially those that published 2 books in under 2 years) didn’t blog regularly either. And I took a bit of a breath. But still I felt the pressure.
Eventually, this is something that I have had to come to terms with and accept about myself and my current situation. I do not have a manager, or an agent, or event planner, or a social media guru, or a marketing person…those are all things I do myself on top of writing, speaking, traveling, and managing my personal life and working another job. So it’s a lot.
Some of you may know (and others of you may not) that I also have chronic health issues. I deal with chronic pain and chronic fatigue on a daily basis and my immune system does not function properly. This in itself has been a huge challenge and taken a lot to manage. I’ve had to learn to do things differently than most people, to manage my time better, and to be very gracious and patient with myself, my body, and the limitations I currently live within. I am a “spoonie” which means that I have to ration the amount of energy I’m given every day with the tasks that need to be completed. If a “normal” person wakes up with twenty spoons everyday…on a good day, I may wake up with fifteen, on a bad day I may wake up with only five…never do I get all twenty. So it becomes a strategy game of time management, saying “no” to things I’d really like to do, and listening to what my body needs…which is definitely not what I anticipated at this stage of my life. (If you’re not familiar with the term “spoonie”, you can read about it HERE.)
So I’ve had to learn to accept my blogging “flaws” and give myself grace to not run the hamster wheel of perfection. And hope that you all love me in spite (or maybe because of) it.
Maybe it’s time to give yourself some grace too. Maybe it’s time to breathe, go for a walk, take a nap, read a good book, and just let that thing on your to-do list sit awhile longer. In the end, your health and time with those you love far exceeds any to-do on your list. Make memories and fill your moments with love every chance you get. As many of us have seen recently with the tragic and unexpected death of Rachel Held Evans, life is so very, very short.
When your time comes, what is it that you wish you would have done more of?
Whatever it is…do that. And let go of the need to please, perform, and perfect. Changing the rhythm of how we work, play, and rest can be challenging but it can also be very rewarding.
Over the summer, my goal is to do a series of blog posts that will release every 2 weeks covering different topics that I’m passionate about and that have been dear to my heart in recent months. I’m hoping they will be encouraging to you…and that you’ll give me grace if they are not always released in two week increments.
With so much love,
Amber Cantorna
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